Tag Archives: disbelief

disbelief

Sixth day late. Third and last test. And I didn’t know how I would feel, negative or positive, I wasn’t sure.

Then came two lines, though one was light, my eyes immediately filled with tears. I wanted this, was ready for this and my heart filled with joy. I knew it in an instant. It was so different to before; I had no concern, no worry- just joy.

After over eighteen months of trying to conceive our second son, this was a little shock when not even trying and we’d have two under two.

No concern, no worry. Who had I become? I didn’t realize until now just how healing our precious baby boy was. We’d told close friends face to face while on holidays and shared my lack of concern and disbelief at how it happened. Jesus must be in this – there is a plan.

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5 | 8 | 11

 

I hit nine weeks and suddenly the sickness and exhaustion hit with a vengeance, obviously trying to make up for the eight previous weeks of health.

My sleeping was so affected, completely exhausted yet wide-awake for hours on end.

Then I went to hospital one night, and home again- got to love battling a gastro created stomach infection! Then the next night I should’ve gone to hospital but as I’d heard the birds start I decided to wait the extra few hours and just go to the GP. “Bleeding or any kind of cramping and you get an ultrasound Yvette”- so off we went, even though I only had some cramping, the concern was a miscarriage.

You recite the history- fifth pregnancy; two children, one early miscarriage, one baby with acrania and this little baby.

I definitely didn’t need to drink the sickness and funny dance-inducing litre of water; my uterus is up and visible already at ten weeks five days.

 

A heart beat.

Sigh of relief, that’s good news.

Concern for the skull.

Baby just doesn’t look right- actually the sonographer’s choice of words, because by nature they suffer from fear of commitment, is “I have some concern for the skull and will need the doctor to check.”

 

She was looking early to give us peace of mind. This was just an ultrasound to check for a heartbeat. I’d had no concern or worries even with our skull checking scan next week. In fact I wasn’t even thinking of it like that. Everything was ok and this baby was our easy joyful miracle, a blessing.

 

Rug pulled from under us.

 

I fainted in the car about ten minutes after leaving the ultrasound place; my valiant husband carried me to the emergency room door and banged for help. An overnight stay in hospital with nurse care and sleeping tablets. Not that they really worked… It’s been 24hours since I’ve seen our boys and my heart is aching. And I’d thought stomach infection was the worst the week was going to get!

I’m so thankful for our family day care mum who just stepped up and filled our “we have no family close” gap and watched our boys last night, and my mother who drove through the night to be here today.

Daniel went home and has seen our boys, our big boy who is constant joy through highs and lows and overseas adventure escapes. And our precious little boy who is a rainbow after darkest storms. I need that reminder; I need their cuddles and open-mouthed kisses. To be reminded that I can carry and deliver a healthy baby.

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We had another ultrasound today, with the “best specialist” in town; who’d made up her mind after yesterday’s scans and thought todays were a waste of time. She was not helpful or compassionate and got the first brunt of emotional Yvette. But as she said, she could not even imagine what we’re going through, so tough luck for her.

So now we’re here and waiting. On the second floor maternity ward next to the two ladies sharing their after-birth stories while one rubs their large healthy baby filled belly.

A doctor will come soon I’m sure- but until then, my head is full of questions, concerns and misunderstandings. So easy to fall pregnant with not even an inch of worry and in under a minute dreams and purposes of a healthy life are destroyed, and once again my womb is a place containing death.

In America each year, 3 out of 10,000 pregnancies are babies with acrania. Daniel and I are selfless: we are 2 out of the 6 in 20,000. Well actually it’s a worse statistic because we live in Australia.
But I can’t joke about it. This sucks. I don’t want to believe it.

Ok so I’m back editing this and thought- hey lets see what the actual Australian statistic is.

In 2001, the Australian estimated birth prevalence of
                       neural tube defects was 0.5 per 1,000 births (National Perinatal Statistics Unit).

I hate this.

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